bambina writes

Revenge of the Nerds

If you're a TV junkie like me with a penchant for late night talk shows, then you know about Sarah Silverman's hilarious surprise video gift to her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel in which she tells him and the whole world she's f*cking People's Sexiest Man Alive, Matt Damon. There's a running joke between Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon - the Bourne Ultimatum star was a guest on the show once and never got his five minutes of airtime because time had run out.

Lost and Found

The other night was unusually hectic, socially speaking. A fashion show and reception at 4 pm, followed by a farewell drinks party from 8 pm to whenever, in two different cities 35 minutes away from each other.

Anyway, the fashion show, in which I participated as a reluctant model, patriotism clearly over-riding common sense, featured the stunning jewel-toned wraps and tops made from delicate yet sturdy banana silk fibers by Manila designer Dita Sandico-Ong, who was en route to Cape Town.

UPDATE: Dita's merchandise - around $12,000 worth, was stolen from her car in Cape Town. Welcome to Crime Central...

The it was back to Joburg for a party at a venue which turned out to be the ultimate frat boy's hangout. It was wall-to-wall university students and those who wished to relive their university days, plus girls who've never had to diet a day in their lives - yet - all chugging down beers and Jagermeister shots. Most of them were old enough to be my children, had I actually shed enough of my ingrained Catholic guilt in my late teens, I might have actually given birth to one of them. As it is, that Catholic guilt and the fear of my parents' fury kept me chaste for some time after my teenage years.

It's About Time

If you think about it, it's been a good month for the Philippines - a civil servant gained a conscience and shed light on the extent of corruption in the government, the bishops admitted their shameful complicity in the ouster of a democratically elected president and the installation into power of a dwarf-sized devil, and protests against a rapacious regime have begun to pick up momentum.

But that's not all.

Filipino fashion blogger Bryanboy, the Third World's most outrageous fag, received the fashionista's highest honor: Marc Jacobs has named an ostrich bag from his Fall/Winter 08 collection "BB", after him.

And finally, an in-depth look at luxury retail in the Philippines came out in Tuesday's Women's Wear Daily, authored by... me! The stories appeared in a special section called Asia In Depth.

The first story, Manila: On the Retail Radar, focuses on the key players in the luxury retail industry, including Ayala Land. In a country saturated with malls, their own Greenbelt, particularly Greenbelt 4 & 5, truly is a world-class retail showcase. Talk about a case of "if you build it, they will come"!

Forced Sterilization

The best anti-GMA protest slogan I've seen so far, courtesy of Corinna Lopa, who attended last Friday's rally and yesterday's mass at La Salle Greenhills.

Extermination seems to me a sound solution. Henceforth all members of GMA's cabinet, all her hangers-on, all her sycophants, and all relatives to the third degree should be sterilized to prevent further propagation of the species Ethnicanus rapax as well as the species Pseudo-Caucasanus arrogans.

Neri, the wimp, should just be castrated. Malacanang already has him by the balls, so he should just offer his shrivelled cojones to them on a silver platter. However, they may just find their way into the pride of Wack-Wack's kitchens, Abalos' "borjers".

Please, would you really buy a hamburger from that man?

Threesome

I have to confess: I don't sleep alone.

Yes, I share my bed with two other people. No, they're not related to me. And yes, they're underage. One's a 19 year-old boy, and the other a 16 year-old girl.

We're a threesome. I know, shocking. Scandalous.

It's been going on for months now. Every single night, and most days, even. Well, mostly. Let's just say there was a bit of a break sometime in January. But otherwise they're with me all the time, swirling in my mind, breathing in my skin, whispering in my ears...

Spelling with Fergie

lHow my kids learned to spell G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, or as Perez Hilton says, Fergie is H-U-M-O-R-O-U-S!

Maybe the Midget's Presidential Legal Counsel Serge Apostol should join the spelling bee. His word: WITNESS. His answer: W-E-T-N-E-S-S.The Midget's own vocabulary is limited at the moment. N-B-N, Z-T-E, K-I-D-N-A-P.

Pretty soon, she'll be begging for A-M-N-E-S-T-Y. I hope the next president (a legitimate one this time) will tell her to go to H-E-L-L.

Going Through a (Phase)Book Part 2

The other day, my favorite Facebook friend Jami (who inadvertently inspired the original Going Through a (Phase)Book) and I were bitching about a mutual, um, let's call him a business associate, who had pissed us off once too often in the past. Long story. However, Jami's last problematic encounter with this person had a satisfactory outcome. Unluckily for me, in my particular situation, the outcome is still pending.

Me: what an idiot I was!

Jami: if it's any consolation, it got resolved... after about a year though :-P

Me: did you threaten castration?

Jami: now that would be a nice addition to the actions in superpoke hahaha! hate to think what you'd do to him if he were on facebook :)

Which got me thinking... What if the Midget got SuperPoked?

Jun Lozada has spilled the beans on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Joe de Venecia has wagged his finger at Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Prospero Nograles has kissed the ass of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Mikey Arroyo has bitchslapped Joe de Venecia for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ricky Razon has given a red envelope to Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ben Abalos has secretly tapped the phone of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Lito Atienza has kidnapped someone for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Fidel Ramos has distanced himself from Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Winnie Monsod has distanced herself from Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Joseph Estrada has smiled at Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Gaudencio Rosales has prayed for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Don't Tell Me the Truth About Love

I'm so over my missed call, but not this missed opportunity: the Scottish writer Dan Rhodes is in Manila and will be actually giving a reading at Fully Booked on Bonifacio High Street tomorrow:

9th February at 4pm: PHILIPPINES. Fully Booked, Bonifacio High Street, Metro Manila. Rhodes will be kicking off his 2008 tour with his first ever reading in The Philippines. Make sure you don’t miss this historic event. At the time of writing we are unable to confirm the rumour that if this reading goes well Rhodes will start thinking seriously about running for president.

How can you not love a writer with a sense of humor as quirky and ironic as this? I loved Dan Rhodes from the moment I heard about his debut novel, Timoleon Vieta Come Home, in 2004. And Timoleon Vieta, I learned, is the name of a dog, and the book is about two men and a dog. Of course the book never got to Hijack City - probably got snatched in a books-in-transit heist somewhere along the Durban to Johannesburg highway.

The Silent Majority

A Muslim friend of mine, Dodi Tabbaa, a hugely talented artist living in Amman, sent me this in an email, which apparently was written by a German doctor living in the States. So many atrocities have been committed in the name of religion, and ethnic cleansing, and communism, and empire... And so many of us have remained silent for decades.

The whole Islam vs Christianity thing has a lot of resonance for me, not merely because I'd lived in Jordan in the early 90s and encountered nary a Qu'ran thumping fanatic. In fact, I loved my three years in Jordan - for me it was the best overseas posting ever. And now I've used the country as the setting for my current work-in-progress. Religious conflict plays a huge part in it - a YA novel which is kind of Meg Cabot meets Khaled Hosseini - and I realize that I have to tread delicately around the issue as it is such a minefield, even if none of my characters are murderous radicals out to behead every infidel. Because none of the Jordanians I've ever met were like that at all.

The Sandok President

If Bill Clinton was the Teflon President, the Midget must be the Sandok President. It's not that nothing sticks; everything sticks: the crusty bits of burn-out rice and dried blood, the rancid pork fat, the clusters of rotting innards and the flakes of over-fried fish. And yet it is the ladle that keeps on scooping, scraping the bottom of the every pot, blackening those that once gleamed, scratching the protective coating at their base, scraping the sturdy dignity of their construction, be they copper, stainless steel, cast-iron or earthenware. The collection of irrevocably damaged pans include politicians, media people, justices, army generals, civil servants, some of whom were already of dubious quality.

Just look at the recent cookfest at the House of Representatives, where Joe de Venecia, himself a casserole that had outlived its usefulness, was dumped. But not without the Sandok President's own sons administering the final ladle from the stew called vendetta.

Unlike the typical Filipino who likes to keep his kitchen spotless, with his pots and pans sparkling and his utensils pristine, the Sandok President simply refuses to clean up. Not even after 2010.

She may not get the thorough cleansing and eventual binning she deserves, but boy has she earned the putrid face of the morally corrupt.

Oh, and someone get her to a salon quick. She needs a mustache wax real bad.

(Photo from elcaldillo.org)